Strength

I think strength is a hard gift to grasp and fully take advantage of. It changes constantly throughout life, and you have to keep a careful eye on it to make sure it doesn't wander off. For example, as a child, I found my strength in my parents: they were my protectors, caretakers, and providers. As I grew older, I had to reinvent my strength. My parents' roles were to be examples of the type of strength I would one day find on my own. The problem was where to find it.

Adolescence is a hugely difficult time. You've let go of your parents as sources of strength, yet you don't know what your strength is, or if you even have any to speak of. The liminal stage is uncomfortable, but necessary. But I don't do well with ambiguity. So in an attempt to rush through that time, I sought my strength in places other than myself. I think this happens a lot.

Since then, I struggled with self-worth and purpose. Was I more than my race times, my friends, my grade point average, my college, my job? Was I more loved when I actually had a boyfriend than when I didn't? Was I more loved when I 15 and skinny than when I was 18 and womanly?

This questions didn't stop nagging me until I took the time (a very emotional and painful time) to pry my fingers off of these facades of who I was -- my essence, the strength of my being -- and let myself find the strength inside of ME, and, more importantly, define the source of my strength: Christ.

I realize how vague the concept of finding strength is. It's almost like claiming you have a soul. A soul's not tangible, you can't find it in your physical body, yet we all want to believe we have one, don't we? Who wants to say, "I don't believe in souls. I don't have a soul." (What a heartless bitch). Finding strength within yourself is much like this. It's silly and frustrating to try to explain, yet you know when you have found it.

But when you are weary and convinced your reservoirs of strength have run dry, as will inevitably happen in this world, remember - you don't always have to be strong. On the contrary, let yourself be vulnerable. Let yourself be renewed by the source of all strength:

"We are glad when we are weak and you are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for. ... I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ... For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 13:9; 12: 9-10)